Back-to-school Maintaining the Connection with our Children...5 ideas!

When fall season starts up, how do we keep that great summer connection going strong?

During the warm summer months, families often spend more quality time together, relax more, open up, grow stronger, and connect in ways that don't occur during our busier seasons--especially when school is in session. Living in a resort town, I hear it all the time: "We learned so much about our children this summer..." My question to myself is, "Why is this something that happens in the summer?"

Longer work hours, fewer hours of daylight, hectic schedules, fall sports programs, homework...they all play into our busy lives. And we are so focused on meeting deadlines and schedules and assignments that we forget to listen to each other.

For many families, it's life as usual, and the dynamic changes. They eat fewer meals together, don't take time to really engage in conversation, and just simply stop connecting like they did during the summer vacation months.

Why not take some time to plan to connect?

1. Start in the morning. With busy school mornings, when we never seem to have had enough sleep, we rush out the door...sometimes in a hurry with some grumbled moods along the way. Perhaps we should STOP and consciously make the mornings a bit less stressful by purposefully engaging in light conversation about the day ahead. Or, ask if there's a special treat that you can have ready for your children upon returning from school. Whatever tact you take, it is helpful to remember that there's much more to starting off the day right than a good breakfast! Moods and expectations make a huge difference as well.

2. Be thoughtful with a lunchbox note. Some kids think they are corny. Some think that reading them in front of their peers is embarrassing. Some parents have simply gotten out of the habit of writing nice little notes (to their children and their partners!). But a recent study from the University of Maryland shows that kids who get special notes (hidden in special places, like notebooks, lunch boxes, jacket pockets, etc.) long remember the loving and caring attitude as they grow older. They may not say anything about the notes or thank you for writing them, but chances are excellent that your note writing will make a lasting positive impact.

3. Spend time together at your local YMCA, community recreation center, or place of worship. Simply dropping off kids at one activity or the other may be all there is time for, but family dynamic studies show that spending more quality time with your children--even watching them participate in their activity--strengthens your bond. And research suggests that instead of dropping off your child and zooming away in your SUV, you'd show much more support if you parked the car, came in for a couple minutes, and then went on your way.

4. Around the table! This is very, very important. I know it cannot be accomplished every evening for supper, but at least two times during the school/work week, your family should have some quality time around the table. If the table is at home, that's great. But even if the "table" is at your neighbor's house, at the local Panera Bread restaurant, or together at a scouting event, the time is what matters! And, if the situation is right, engage in conversation. Ask questions. Listen intently. And show support. Time spent around the table does not always have to be serious time--laughing, being light hearted, and engaging in joviality is always good. (And if you, as the parent, are not hungry, then sit down next to your children, sip a glass of wine, and spend that time together!)

5. Drop in for homework time. This is not to say "spy" or unnecessarily probe, but be interested. Genuine interest is all that really matters, according to social scientists who study youth and family dynamics. I suggest that you approach the situation with some real interest, so that you join your child through his or her homework journey. Ask questions, be curious, and ask if it's OK to check in throughout the semester to gauge her/his progress. But do it genuinely and without any other motives.

 

These five suggestions came from reading, research, and discussions with other parents throughout the summer months, as I prepared to provide five ideas of how we could, as busy parents, continue to connect with our children when the lazy days of summer were over.

There were many more on my list, but the core ideas seemed to jump out, as noted above. And if I were to sum up the list in one word, it would be: LISTEN.